Forgotten words ...
† Life is tough, but I'm harder †
Only some old notes from my space.
When I would stand at the window ...
... and new items in the house that I call my life.
already strange to see it. words and actions do not hurt me for a while. And that's what scares me Sun May sound odd to others but I'm worried about the little crybaby in me is gone. It just makes me afraid that I do not care. My life is for me a little dramatic play. I look at it and can forget the next moment. But there's no ... it hurts but I distance myself so far away that it did not quite true. Since my father with this company, I turned off my emotions, all of which I dreamed, and what I hoped I had been extinguished. Why? Because I do not want to die after all. When a person has dreams and hopes and they are regarded with such a derogatory or contempt or even ignored when it is unable to remain dreams and those hopes came with feet, then man has no power to live longer. It was about a year after he opened the company. Since I still have them, those dreams and those hopes and the pain was too great. I thought my life would be meaningless without her, I wanted to give up. Something in me stirred, however, and did not let that happen. So I do not put out of my life, but only that which involves my life dreams and hopes. Since then, I look through the window in, I do not care. What is happening in this house I care not, I'm waiting. I'm waiting just gone out that the girl is in this house, far. And then maybe I will return to her again and together we will our hopes and dreams are back. But now? Now everything must remain Sun I'll be watching day in and day out this girl as she endures, as does all it tells her. From time to time but is stirring something and then I scream inside the house in: It will not work! Sometimes I can not help but sink into tears when I see them as how they spend hours staring at the ceiling. It just does not matter more powerful, it is everything. But this is understandable, an empty shell without a soul has no power. She was once a man was crying and laughing heartily, she had energy and often too much. Now she has no soul, it is a lifeless body the pain endures. She listens to her mother when she reveals her pain and keeps them from the harassment of her father. And me? I only watch and wait outside the window of my own life ..
hope and despair are close together ...
Am I a bad person? Am I to blame if I am treated differently than I would like to see? I do not understand ... I just can not i my head. What does he want? Will he change us? Does he want that we do only what he wants? Or maybe he really spins by slowly? He drinks, not overly much, but he drinks. Alone, he had never done before. Therefore, he flips out reason? Or is it the nerves ... But why? No one forces him to make this work. Mom and I were on the first place. On the surface, he says that he does it only for the family and all believe him. But he does not make it for the family, he wants it. HE WILL. Point. Off. No discussions. He has always been a dreamer. He wants to be big and important, therefore, must have its own company produces. No matter what it costs. And we? To us he misses his anger. He shows his strength. He's the boss .... That he is able with his bare fist Doors had to smash so I already understood. From the first time, but what the whole thing? What does he want to achieve? I'm like a dog, so you shall also live like dogs .... yes but why? What we have done to him? If he was unemployed, there were never allegations. And he had a job. Why he lives like a dog if it could be otherwise. He wants to be the king. When he comes home we want to kindly with happy faces at the door and wait. When he is home, we have to act kindly as he wants. Rules? No, if he comes home we should tolerate everything. He runs away again yes ... But what he thinks how long has this yet? Well mommy can not take much. With her language skills she alone is not far. But he does but I was growing, but he realizes that I do not like it used to go to my room and my ears. Where it will lead? He will end up alone and I feel not a little compassion. He will pass away yet. I'm concerned he should be drinking all the problems, drowning in alcohol and are best himself with it. But he will let us live.
The doors were now 3 and living room furniture which he has zerdeppert ... what he thinks when he does that? Why he harassed us so much? What did he know about it?
I hate these situations where I'm just giving me doing what. He is to me what to do! If he knocks down the furniture, each just shrugs his shoulders and says he was just a little angry. But I was trembling all over, not out of fear but simply because I can not cover these situations. When I stand there and it shakes me, is that ok? Just because he is angry? If there were at least a valid reason for his anger .... I would understand it, yes. I can understand it somehow, but so? I'm afraid, afraid of what would happen when he comes back at the end of the week. But I really do not know What are I'm afraid. That he destroyed more of what we have saved ourselves a tedious? No ... That he does to me what? No, I am waiting for finally giving me a reason to call the police to deliver. It is simply this situation I do not want. His eyes when he looks around frantically looking for things and to destroy them. His voice, cold and merciless when it penetrates into every fiber of my body and re-echoes ... so strong that I can not suppress the tremor. I will not tolerate these things.
accumulates within me something and I do not know what ... Am I angry? Or sad? Desperate? Or just the end? The Tears make it difficult to breathe. A lump in my throat and they load> on my chest. \u0026lt;But I can not cry. I may not know, if I ever lose control I will not be able to stop.
Anyway, this week we go to get the divorce papers. But even that is a problem. It costs us and where? We have no one. He will not let us live, he makes us live to cave once the papers are there. But something must be done. I will take that first step to this last battle to fight. Hopefully I'm over
all without psychological damage. And, in my humble self, it is probably not care anyway. I do not if I will ever be willing to marry white. losing his father in this way with really not much good at what it regards trust in men. .
And the world goes around, goes around, goes around ...
madness, it's already been 3 days of my precious vacation and instead of happy and relax, I drag in the heart a stone around on the conscience of a load and in the arms usually have a cloth ...
There was ne time off where I could no matter how much was going on at home. Now I can not get it to go there this one Book to read. I, and an unread book! There are little things that show but as a person changed. Externally, there is everything, and nobody noticed the change inside. As the well? I know it's not himself. There are two sides fighting in me. Firstly, the ambition to fight for victory, school super close, pull away from here and be successful. Second, this indifference, which brings me to just lying and the ceiling to stare (which I emphasize in the rest time should).
I could run up the walls, all this is so me on the nerves. I retire, I want to do it just a little silence. But the trouble will be larger ... I see you hardly yet we never talk .... I'm tired of the calls, tired of having to listen to what my father is all terribly! They should act, but before that she's afraid. And they did not want to lose me. I will not even move, let go the one year in the U.S. ...
And then they played from their Joker. All the years I had felt guilty that she has come over me to Germany. But that debt was bearable because I imagined myself. Gone with the tolerability, the sentence still sounds in my head "If it were not, I would be home and to live"
you probably thought I stop by this sentence. But something in me has stirred itself. I am rarely angry, I'm relaxed and quite a quiet person. But at that moment it was boiling in me. I have not replied to this, but at the moment it was clicking in my head and I thought: Take care of them!
It is wrong to think so, right? She is my mother. She has a Quantity sacrificed for me. But I'm no angel, nor a perfect man. Although I know it's wrong, I will go. I can not anymore. I would not want to destroy me!
you have only themselves to blame. My parents taught me to be alone to manage themselves. And now? Yes, now I'm not afraid. I do not care if I left without family and friends. I'm about to feel loneliness as freedom and the age of 18 ...
I want to get out of my old life. I want to people who know me and understand me. Unfortunately, that does not here. I have hidden for too long and I still do. Whenever I am in the Palace, I would like nothing more than real in which one or other Poser to be. Whether this is ridiculous or not, that I have brought it so far that I know these people better, I do not care. I would like to be taken only once in the arm. I just wish that someone says, hey, you need not do this alone.
It is sad. I can not remember when I was the last time someone in his arms ...
But so what? I'm still and the world continues to turn without having to worry about the insignificant people who want to to be alone with someone ...
